Sleep is awesome! Sleep is meant as a time for leaving life’s concerns and thoughts behind. It’s a time to finally exhale, after a day of holding in my breath wondering what’s going to go wrong next, and just sink into a perfect, blissful state. I really love to sleep. I love it so much that I see dreams as an unwanted interruption of the only peaceful time I have. To me dreaming just seems like carrying your life to bed with you and who the heck wants to do that? But last night I had an interesting dream. In this dream I was part of a conversation about being courageous and true to yourself. Yes, I confess I have been watching a lot of Oprah lately. Anyway, in the midst of the conversation some strange, faceless form (I can’t really call it a person because it was, you know, faceless) turned to me and stated, in a voice that had no real sound, that I had a difficult time opening up to people. It continued by saying something about how since the eyes hold truths, I avoid looking people in the eyes as a way to keep my real self safe or some such shit. Apparently I do this all out of fear. I have to say that being outed like that by a random dream phantom was kind of annoying. I actually woke up feeling pissed off, as if part of me had been pried open against my will.
Like I haven’t had that experience enough times already.
But even though it was an uncomfortable feeling, once I was awake my mind went to work trying to figure out what it meant. Hell, I couldn’t go back to sleep, so why not do some mental sleuthing. After my thoughts faded in and out for a while, a thought flashed into my head that large chunks of my life have been lived to accommodate others. Basically fear of avoiding unplesant outcomes. You know, do as I say and no one gets hurt. Particularly as it relates to men and sex. In retrospect, I realize that it wasn’t that I had a burning desire to be groped by all those random strangers. It’s more like I had this burning desire not to have the shit beaten out of me again. I remembered all the times I was afraid to just say, “NO!” because I wasn’t sure what reaction I would get. A lot of times I would tell myself to be brave and just shut it down. And while I liked to believe there was no way God would allow me to go through that type of violence again (seriously how many ass whoopings and rape can one person take), in the end I would just give in and act like I was exactly where I wanted to be. Ugh! I still can’t forgive myself for being too scared to stand up for me. Did I not think I was worth it? Or maybe the memories of fists against face, my face, kind of overshadowed the whole don’t-settle-for-less-than-you-deserve belief system. Who knows? What I do know is that allowing fear to cause me to behave in a way that makes me feel used and embarrassed, especially as it relates to control of my body, feels like being abused all over again. Plus, it is exhausting as hell! The worst part is, this time I’m doing it to myself! Even as I write this I can feel my chest tighten.
Is that fear again? Or is it regret?
Truth is I do try to keep the lid on my weaknesses, shame and secrets. You know, the ones I’m busy running from every day. Who doesn’t? So yeah, I guess dream phantom was right, I do avoid eye contact with men on the street. And in the grocery. And at the gas station. That’s my way of keeping myself safe from danger. But now I wonder, am I fooling them? Or is that why they keep coming?
Maybe, like dogs, some of them CAN smell fear.
Recent Comments